>Nothing but NOTHING beats Good Old Traditional Family Values

>In the world today, we see feminists debunking the age old family values, calling it partriarchial. We see threats to the traditional family from all directions. From radical feminists to the gay pride.

Traditional family values require parents to be in charge of their children. It is not the duty of dare care centres, domestic help or schools. If parents do not get involved in their children’s activities, the wolves will come after their sheep.

From the Straits Times
Too sexy for kids?

THE games look like they are designed for children, with colourful animated characters and cheery music. But the aim of one such game, called Under Cover, is for the player – who might well be a child – to snap photographs of women’s exposed underwear.

Players of another game called Lust for Bust are supposed to stare at women’s breasts for as long as possible without being caught.

These free online flash games – electronic games played on Web browsers – are practically training players to be perverts.

And they are reaching a wide audience through multiple gaming websites on the Internet.

For example, statistics on just one website show that Under Cover has been played more than 6.5 million times since it was launched in February last year.

Experts here are warning against the potential risks, particularly for children, of such free online flash games, some of which contain sexual content.

Exposure to such materials may result in children being desensitised to sex, and eventually trivialising it, said Mr Poh Yeang Cherng, 41, manager of Touch Cyber Wellness & Sports, a cyber-wellness education programme for youth run by voluntary welfare group Touch Community Services.

‘Children are in their formative years and their values can be influenced playing these games,” he added.

A school counsellor, who declined to be named, said that when it comes to undesirable content in games, violence, and not sex, is the first concern that comes to mind.

Children who play these games may form degrading views of the opposite gender from young and this could affect their relationships with others in future, he warned. — MYPAPER

From the same webpage above, here is another link giving the background story.
HOOKED ON UPSKIRT PHOTOGRAPHY

A NINE-YEAR-OLD girl started playing games like Under Cover, where the player snaps upskirt photographs of women, after her friend sent her a link to the website which hosted them.

Such free online games that mask sexual content have been an ‘in thing” among her friends for about three months, because they found playing such games exciting, the girl said.

She said she knows that the behaviour portrayed in the games is unacceptable. She would not behave that way, or want to be on the receiving end of such actions, in reality.

But she felt that playing the games was harmless as their characters are ‘fake, like cartoons, and do not have feelings’.

Her alarmed accountant mother, 38, said: ‘It’s shocking, I didn’t know my child could play such games online.”

The average parent is unaware of such potential risks in free online games, said Mr Poh Yeang Cherng, 41, manager of Touch Cyber Wellness & Sports, a cyber-wellness education programme for youth run by Touch Community Services.

The programme does not track the number of children playing such games online. But its informal poll showed that up to 40 per cent of lower- secondary school students have played Grand Theft Auto 4, even though it is a violent video game with sexual content that has been rated ‘mature-18′.

Such games are harder for children to access than free online games, as they can be bought only by those aged above 18.

Ms Yuvarani Thangavelu, the Media Development Authority’s (MDA) deputy director for licensing policy, said that it has taken initiatives to safeguard the young from harmful online content, but these have limitations, given the Internet’s borderless nature.

Parents can subscribe to a service that filters out undesirable materials, which is provided by Internet service providers SingTel, StarHub and PacNet, with help from the MDA.] But such content in games cannot be detected easily by the filters as it is embedded, a StarHub spokesman said. Parents can also adjust settings on the Internet browsers or install client-based filtering software to block specific websites.

But probably the best precaution they can take is to be more aware of their children’s online activities and to communicate openly, said the National Institute of Education’s Associate Professor Angeline Khoo, who developed Internet safety materials for parents.

It is a known fact that today, many parents spend much less time with their children, as compared to our forefathers. This kind of environment suits those who have intention to influence young children with odious ideas.

Young minds are the most vulnerable. Here is where they can be shaped. It is a small wonder that those with not so good intentions target this group of youngsters. They include:

1. Porn site distributors -
This group as seen from the article, introduce them as children’s games. It may seem innocent at first, but they are starting somewhere. It is not a secret that the two most profitable online industries are the gaming and the porn industries. The money involved is too lucrative for these people not to target young children – a big pool of future customers when they grow up as adults.

2. The gay pride -
As we now know, the gay pride also start their work on children when they are young. The introduction of the CSE through Aware was made public earlier this year. I have shown in my past articles links that Aware has had foreign help to introduce gay materials into schools.

Quoting Poh Yeang Cherng, 41, manager of Touch Cyber Wellness & Sports in the first article above, he said:

“Children who play these games may form degrading views of the opposite gender from young and this could affect their relationships with others in future, he warned”.

I fully agree. Gays know that too. That’s why they start them young.

In another article, unrelated to the one above, we have another sad story of the effects of debunking traditional values for so called “modern values”.

It is believed that promiscuous sex is one contributor to cervical cancer in women. Instead of teaching girls abstinence, a national campaign was set to vaccinate young girls against cervical cancer, because presumably educating about abstinence doesn’t work.

Here are the after effects of the vaccination.

Two thousand schoolgirls suffer suspected ill-effects from cervical cancer vaccine

Source: Telegraph

Thousands of schoolgirls have suffered suspected adverse reactions to a controversial cervical cancer vaccine introduced by the Government.

Doctors’ reports show that girls of 12 and 13 have experienced convulsions, fever and paralysis after being given the vaccine, which is now administered in schools as part of efforts to prevent women developing cancer.

Others suffered nausea, muscle weakness, dizziness and blurred vision, according to a special report drawn up by drug safety watchdogs.

A support group says it has received dozens of calls from parents who believe their daughters have been damaged by the vaccine.

The parents of one teenage girl given the jab last autumn believe it was to blame for repeated seizures which have left her with brain damage and psychosis.

The immunisation programme for teenage girls is controversial because it protects them from the sexually transmitted human papillomavirus which causes 70 per cent of cervical tumours.

When the Government introduced the Cervarix vaccination programme last year, some campaigners dubbed it a “promiscuity jab”.

Campaigners and families said the new figures showed the vaccination should not have been introduced via a mass programme.

More than one million girls have already been given the jab, which is offered to all as they enter their teens.

Until 2011 it will also be administered to older girls, so that all female teens below the age of 18 will be covered by the programme.

Ministers say that ultimately the scheme will save 700 lives a year, while drug safety experts insist the number of suspected reactions are outweighed by the benefits from the jab.

Most of the more than 2,000 suspected reactions recorded by drug safety watchdog Medicines and Health care products Regulatory Agency (MHRA) were mild, with dozens of girls recording rashes, pain in the arm, and allergies.

But the report prepared by the MHRA earlier this month also discloses cases in which teens have suffered convulsions, eye rolling, muscle spasms, seizures and hyperventilation soon after being given the jab.

The analysis by the MHRA, drawn up this month, found 2,107 patients had reported some kind of suspected adverse reaction to Cervarix. Several reported multiple reactions, with 4,602 suspected side-effects recorded in total.

Jackie Fletcher, founder of Jabs, a support group for families whose children have fallen ill after immunisation, said she had taken dozens of calls from parents who believed their daughters had been damaged by the cervical cancer vaccine.

She said: “We have spoken to parents whose daughters have had seizures, paralysis, blurred vision, severe headaches and the loss of feeling in parts of their body.

“Doctors will try to convince parents that these problems are in their child’s mind, or have nothing to do with the vaccines, but we don’t think there is sufficient evidence to show Cervarix is safe.”

Medical safety experts insist the benefits of the vaccine outweigh the risks.

They say many of the patients who experienced an “adverse” reaction to the jab since April 2008, including some who took part in drug trials or bought the drug privately, only suffered short-term side effects from the injection process, not as a result of the drug.

There was no evidence to suggest “isolated cases of other medical conditions” were actually caused by the vaccine, and not just a coincidence, the regulator’s report said.

Cancer charities urged parents to continue allowing their daughters to have the jabs, saying the numbers were well within what would have been expected for a large-scale programme, and that most of the side effects were minor.

Robert Music, director of cervical cancer charity Jo’s Trust said: “I can understand why parents would feel cautious, but this programme could reduce 70 per cent of cervical cancers.

We need to keep reviewing the evidence, but we would really urge parents to make sure their daughters have the vaccination.”

Stacey Jones is one of those who believes she has suffered side effects from the vaccine. She was 17 when she had her first Cervarix injection.

Her parents Julie and Kerry, from Bilston, West Midlands, noticed her becoming increasingly emotional in the weeks following the first two jabs, but feared their “happy-go-lucky” girl had finally succumbed to adolescent moodswings.

Within four days of the third injection in March of this year, Stacey suffered an epileptic seizure, followed by 17 more in the following week.

She has now been diagnosed with a brain injury, caused by inflammation of the brain, and is being treated in an NHS rehabilitation unit in Birmingham, which helps her with basic tasks like making a sandwich.

Seizures are minimised by five types of medication, but her memory is badly damaged.

The family has been given no explanation for how the damage occurred. Mrs Jones, 44, said: “She was such a lovely, happy go-lucky girl, now she is just a shell.

“When we go to see her, she can’t remember what she has just eaten for tea. The impact on her and all of us has been absolutely devastating. I feel she has been used as a guinea pig.”

A spokesman for GlaxoSmithKline, which makes Cervarix, said the drug had to undergo rigorous testing, with over 70,000 doses used in trials before a licence was granted.

He said: “The UK medicines safety agency has reviewed all reported adverse events relevant to Cervarix and there is no evidence to suggest that the vaccine carries any long-term side effects.

“The symptoms this girl has experienced are clearly upsetting and it is understandable that the girl and her parents want to uncover the cause.”

Let’s face the hard facts. The only guaranteed methods against these sex related diseases are abstinence and loyalty to spouse.

All other “safe sex” methods are no guarantee.

So why is this very effective option abstinence and/or loyalty to spouse are always under-emphasized in sex education programmes?

Nothing, but NOTHING, beats good old traditional family values.

>Raising a Family (Part 4) – The Teenage Years

>Welcome to Part 4 out of five in this series. In Part 4, we will take a look at the issues pertaining to the Teenage Years – probably the most difficult years of parenting. Here is where suddenly everything changes. The little kid you have known all along suddenly turns into a nightmare.

Change is normal. Every child will go through this phase called puberty. Not only will the child face physiological and physical changes to her body, she will also face a host of emotional challenges. This is the stage where the child is most vulnerable. If there is no strong bond between parent and child, the teenager may be easily led astray.

Let’s take a look at the issues a teenager faces.

Get to know their friends -
If you recall Part 3, it was stressed that parents should get to know their children’s friends. While it may seem a trivial thing during the child’s primary school days, the importance of knowing your teenage son’s or daughter’s friends now become apparent.

If you had not established that knowing your child’s friends as the norm during her early days, she would definitely now object if you were to attempt to get to know her company of acquaintences. Hence, it is very important to establish that knowing who her friends are is what is expected, when she is in primary school.

The benefit of knowing your child’s friends is that you know exactly the kind of company she mixes with. This is important because “friends” with not so good intention will be on the lookout for vulnerable teenagers. They know if these teenagers do not have a strong bond with their parents, they would be easy target.

It must be noted that teenagers, especially girls, need to feel accepted among friends. If there is no bond between parent and child, it puts the teenager in a very vulnerable position. In such a case, anyone who appears to be sympathetic towards the teenager, will be able to win her heart.

Needless to say, this teenager can be easily talked into having sexual relationship, be it with someone of the opposite sex or even of the same sex.

Get to know their teachers -
Like in primary school, all secondary schools have Meet the Parents Sessions. This is a good opportunity to know your child’s teachers. If your child knows that you take an interest in her schoolwork, there is a higher chance she would behave and less chance she would mix with the wrong company.

Keeping in touch with teachers also gives you an idea of the co-curricular activities the school has. Unlike primary school where the parent is told what the child does in school, many secondary schools usually do not inform parents of every single activity that occurs after school hours. If you do not keep in touch with the teachers, your child may be able to “bluff her way out” where she has been after school hours.

The school authority and the law -
In Part 3, it is noted that if the parent runs down their children’s teachers (especially in front of their children), that would severely undermine the school authority. The impact is more severe if this happens in secondary school. If students do not respect school authority, the next thing they will not respect is the law. This again is another area of social concern.

According to school counsellors I have spoken to, one big headache the police has is shoplifting – especially amongst secondary schoolgirls. It is not that these girls cannot afford to shop the honest way. It is the thrill involved in flirting with crime. Some of these girls are even from top schools.

There appears to be pressure among teenagers to conform to group behaviour. The most common reason for petty crimes committed by teenagers is due to peer pressure to conform.

Again, it can be seen that the teenager is very vulnerable to outside forces. If the there is no parent-child bond, it is easy for the teen to go astray.

Moral Education -
While the stress during Primary school years would be sex (and moral) education, the stress during the teen years is mainly moral education pertaining to sexual behaviour. Again, if the parent-child bond has not been established over the years, this is going to be one big hurdle.

The last thing parents need is to have an outsider who has no interest in the teenager’s welfare, telling the teenager what sex and morals are about.

Let me be very specific here. Since this five-part series is about handling the challenges of the invasion of the gay pride into society, especially into schools, I will specifically mention Aware’s CSE programme and the aftermath that followed it.

- Aware’s CSE Programme
Teenagers are very susceptible. Again if they have not been drilled by parents what is morally right or wrong, they would take the facilitator’s words for granted – in this case, homosexuality is neutral and anal sex is normal.

- Blogs that appear to endorse homosexuality
There are loads and loads of literature found in blogs which support homosexuality. Again, teens who have not been drilled at an early age what is acceptable or not, will be easily influenced to think that homosexuality and anal sex are natural.

- The Mainstream Media (MSM)
It is very unfortunate that the mainstream, especially the Straits Times, during the AWARE saga has portrayed the issue as Christian Fundamentalism vs Secular opinions. This gives teens the wrong idea that those who view homosexuality as unacceptable are extremists, while those who view homosexuality as OK as liberated.

However, as parents, we know that homosexuality is actually a deviant practice from the norm. If parents have not built a strong bond between themselves and the teenager, the influence from outsiders will be overwhelming.

Qualifying Statement -
Parents who do not approve the teaching that homo is natural need not discriminate gays. Just like we do not discriminate or hate chain smokers and leave them alone, parents have a right to teach their children that homo is a deviant practice from the norm and homosexuals should be allowed their private space.

Meal time is also family bonding time -
The real value and benefit of a family eating together is now apparent. While it may be just a trivial family affair when the child is younger, for teenagers this now has become a sacred family ritual – and it is the parents who hold the trump card.

Imagine this situation. The teenager says she has to be with her friends to finish off a project. This is a common “reason” teenagers give to be with her friends. She says that they have to work late into the night. What if this becomes so often and she comes home later than even working parents? What can you as a parent do?

If the family mealtime has been established as a sacred family ritual, it would now become incumbent upon the teenager to work out with her friends that the project work will have to be timed such that the teenager is home by dinner time! The hard work of convincing your teenage daughter to come home early is reduced to an effortless reminder that she has to be home for dinner!

Of course, there are times that your teenage daughter has to come late. But if your family mealtime has been established as a sacred ritual, that late night would be far and between, as compared to the carefree loving teenage girl who does not have this dinner ritual.

The benefits of being able to keep your teenage children (especially daughters) at home once the sun sets need not be stressed in detail. As parents, you know what the consequences are if you can’t keep your teenage children home after sunset.

Holiday time is also family bonding time -
Again, as stressed in Part 2 and 3, this is a good family bonding time. Most of the time, teenagers will say they want to have their own company of friends. They prefer to go out with their friends than to be with their parents. That is normal.

However, the annual family holiday is still a valuable time for the family. Again, like family mealtime bonding, if you have established the annual family holiday as the norm, there will be little resistance from the teenager if you insist they follow you on your annual holiday.

Family holidays have far reaching and very long term effect. It is the norm to take pictures or record videos during holidays. As the years go by, when the teenager looks back at these photos and/or videos, they will be reminded subconsciously of the strong bond she has had with her parents and family. This again makes it easier for your child to continue the family bonding ways when it is time for her to start her own family, because she now has “proof” to show to her own children, what family bonding is about.

Husband-Wife Disputes -
As always, if the husband and wife have too many quarrels in front of their children too often, cracks in the family bond will start to appear and take effect.

While the primary school child may keep these family problems to herself, the teenager would be more willing to share it with outsiders – especially if that outsider shows interest in the teenager.

Feeling insecure because of frequent problems within the family, it would only be natural for the teenager to seek solace outside. This again is excellent opportunity for anyone who has ulterior motive to lead the teenager astray. This outsider could be a “boyfriend” or even a lesbian friend. For boys, it could be a gay friend. This also makes it easy for a gay/lesbian “adult mentor” to lead them astray.

Over and above all the potential social problems the teenager may face, these frequent disputes between dad and mum will also affect her studies. Things can go down the slippery slope from here.

It is important to know that husband and wife disputes should be kept away from children as far as possible. Again, it can be noted this is easier said than done. But the damage of such disputes cannot be under-estimated.

Children see, children do -
If you have a habit of doing something for years in front of your child, by now anything she does that repeats your behaviour is already more or less “her right”. That is the reason why in Parts 1, 2 and 3, it has always been stressed that you should be careful with what you do. Hence, parents should never get involved in any vice like compulsive drinking, gambling or any other addictive behaviour. Womanizing is also considered a vice. So are other kinds of promiscuous behaviour. All these are forbidden to the married.

Once again, I would like to also stress that not only what you do is seen as an endorsement to what they can do, what you approve, will also be seen as an endorsement to what you allow them to do. This includes parents who are pro-gay and propagate pro-gay programmes. Your teenage son or daughter, after witnessing many years of your pro-gay propagation, will take that as your endorsement that he/she be allowed to engage in gay/lesbian activities.

Would these pro-gay parents, who have been championing gay rights for years, now accept if their children engage gay activities? What would you do, if your teenage son or daughter told you that you have always been pro-gay and now, you should accept what they do?

Worse still, what if your children decide to cross-dress or even change sex, because transgender issues are related to GLBT issues? What if they told you that you have always been promoting GLBT agenda and hence, you should accept their “transformation”?

Are you able to take that?

If the answer is no, then you should stop promoting the gay agenda immediately.

This ends Part 4. In Part 5, we will be taking a look at beyond the teen years.

Related links:
Raising a Family (Part 1) – Preparing yourself
Raising a Family (Part 2) – Looking after the preschooler
Raising a Family (Part 3) – The Primary School Years

>Raising a Family (Part 3) – The Primary School Years

>In this third part series of five, we will take a look at the issues pertaining to children during their Primary School years.

Boon or bane, the education system in Singapore is very efficient, systematic and intense. So love it or hate, if you are a parent, one of the issues that is surely to hit you is – how will my children do in school?

However, since my theme is to form a close bond between parent and child, I will instead concentrate on forming parent-child bond, rather than how to get your child to perform well in school. So here it is.

Get to know their friends -
Yes, get to to their friends, including their names. Better still if you know their friends’ parents. This should not be a problem. Schools have Parents’ Support Groups. You can join these groups and from there, get to know other parents.

The importance of getting to know their friends is long term. This is just a start. We will discuss more of this in Part 4 and 5. As for now, getting to know their friends is nothing more than symbolic. At this stage, it seems trivial. But this opens the door to get a foothold such that in later years, when you get to know your children’s friends, they won’t object that as you are interfering into their personal space. You have already established that knowing their friends as the norm.

Get to know their teachers -
Your Primary school child spends half a day, 5 times a week in school. That’s a lot of time. The teacher has about 40 children in her class. If you don’t get to know the teacher, she won’t get to know you.

Teachers are important to parents. Their are the bridge between them and their child, as far as school activities are concerned. I have come across parents who know next to nothing what their child does in school. That is a reflection of the parents’ aloofness.

If you get to know your child’s teacher, she will alert you immediately if she feels that there is something that needs to be addressed. It must be remembered that teachers are humans too. If she does not know you well, she may be less likely to alert you. So which do you prefer? A teacher who alerts you or a teacher who doesn’t?

Never rundown the school authority -
Some parents put down their child’s teachers – in front of their child! This is a mistake. If you do that, they will not respect school authority. Then when they are caught breaking school rules, it makes it so much difficult for the school to discipline your child. This opens the door for more unacceptable social behaviour to creep in, when they go to secondary school.

If you have to disagree with the school teacher or principal, do it behind your children’s back.

Get to know what they learn -
Primary school syllabus is not that difficult. If possible, put in effort to learn what they learn in school. Guide them in their studies if you can. Of course that is not possible in all cases. However, if you can guide them, it again serves as a bond between parent and child.

If you remember Part 2, it is advised that you teach your child to read early. From here it can be seen that learning and teaching between parent and child has blossomed into shared experience. By the time your child is in Primary school, unconsciously, she has accepted that learning from the parent is a natural thing to do. This makes things so much easier when you teach non-academic lessons in life – like who your child should mix with and who she should not.

Sex Education -
Parents, do you know that by Primary 5, your child would have learned about the human reproductive system in school? If you have been teaching your child all along, this is an excellent opportunity to teach them about the morals as well. Of course, you don’t have to wait till they are in Primary 5. Some parents start even earlier.

Like it or not, if you don’t teach them about sex, they will learn about it from other sources. Hence, parents should teach their children about sex – both the biological and moral aspects.

At this point, it is good to highlight the point I stated about teaching your child early. If you had taught your child since she was a baby, and continue to teach her in primary school, she would simply accept what you teach her about morals pertaining to sex. Excellent chance for parents who insist teaching moral values, pertaining to sex education!

By secondary school, these morals you have taught them over the years would have been entrenched in them, no outsider would be able to shake it from them.

The Internet -
Sadly, this is one area it is the children who usually are in a position to teach parents. Like it or not, we all have to move with the times. If you are not computer and/or internet savvy, you won’t be able to keep abreast what your children are doing behind your backs. Hence, you need to keep up.

If possible, set up accounts like Facebook or other social connections and link up with your children. Again, this is to gain a foothold. If all along you are their friend in these social network, by secondary school, your presence in their social circle would be accepted by them. Of course, this does not mean that you can interfere with their personal and private lives when they grow older.

Meal time is also family bonding time -
Like in Part 2, I have to stress this again. Meal time is also family bonding time. By now, it is the norm that the family eats together. It has become entrenched such that the children see it as a duty to eat as a family. Again, at this stage, this is just symbolic. The real benefit of this meal time bond comes during the teen years, which you will see in Part 4.

Holiday time is also family bonding time -
Again, as stressed in Part 2, this is a good family bonding time.

Husband-Wife Disputes -
By now you will realise that certain issues that have been adhered to since the child was a baby is being repeated. Parenting is long term, so naturally these “rules” are also long term.

While parent-parent dispute may be traumatic to a pre-schooler, to a Primary school child, it may confuse her. So on one hand, parents are the authority and command respect. Yet, on the other hand, these figures of authority cannot agree what is right or wrong.

Again, keeping disputes away from children is easier said than done. However, it must be remembered that too many disputes too often would cause cracks in the family bond. When the child is confused, she would begin to seek outside help. This is where the problem starts. Hence, parents should try their best to keep their differences away from their children.

Never use money as a weapon -
It does get repetitive, doesn’t it? But like I said, parenting is long term and so the “rules” are repeated over a long period.

If the father threatens to withhold money from mother when the child is a preschooler, only the mother feels threatened. The child is probably too young to know anything. But if the father does that when the child is in Primary school, the child is old enough to understand what the father says.

Again, this is going to be the start of a family breakup. That child may also feel threatened and insecure, unlike the preschooler. She may begin to form negative ideas about her dad and may for the first time, even hate her dad.

NEVER, NEVER use money to threaten. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should money be used as weapon – unless you want a divorce and/or family breakup.

Children see, children do -
Again! Repetition! This was discussed in Part 2. While the preschooler may mimic the parent, the primary school child will see that what the parent does, is an endorsement to what they can do! Please, PLEASE, be careful of what you do, say, or imply what you say!

I have said this before and I will repeat. If parents are pro-gay and show that they are pro-gay, your primary school kid will take that as an endorsement from you – for them to experiment gay lifestyle. You may think that they are still young. Wrong! Chances are that they know about gay and lesbianism more than you think they know.

Other things you need to be aware of is that if you drink, smoke or gamble, chances are that they will see that these vices are acceptable. Likewise, if you do not respect your elders, they will take it that they wont’ have to respect others too. And you may be the one whom they won’t respect when they grow older!

This ends Part 3. For those who think that parenting is a chore at this stage, you ain’t seen nuthin’ yet. The real test a parent has to go through is in Part 4 – The Teenage Years. That’s when it can really get ugly if you don’t get it right. But if you do get it right, the rewards of parenting are well worth all those years.

Related posts
Raising a Family (Part 1) – Preparing yourself
Raising a Family (Part 2) – Looking after the preschooler

Raising a Family (Part 4) – The Teenage Years

>Raising a Family (Part 2) – Looking after the preschooler

>This is the second part of five. In this part, we will take a look at issues concerning children from birth to 6 years old, the age just before he or she starts school.

At this juncture, it is good to be reminded that the purpose of raising children with morals is to guard against promiscuous behaviour. It is never too young to teach a child.

So you have your first-born. Congratulations! You are now a parent! What a joyous feeling. Things change around you. Suddenly, 24 hours a day is not enough. Suddenly it seems that there are less than 7 days a week. Suddenly the weeks and months fly so fast, you wonder what happened. Your life has been changed – permanently.

One of the first things that comes into the mind is, who is going to mind the baby? Grandparents? A nanny? The maid? Or you? If you think carefully, it should by YOU.

But things are not that simple. Many families have both parents who work. What now? Does one parent (usually the mother) slow down her career to mind the baby? This is a big decision. Only you can decide.

Whatever the case, whether you get someone else to mind your baby in your absence, or you mind the baby full time, it must be noted that the more the baby spends with the minder, the stronger the bond is formed between the baby and the minder. Let me say it one more time, because this is very important -

The more the baby spends with the minder, the stronger the bond is formed between the baby and the minder.

Babies learn who is who within months -
Yes, babies recognise their minders. It does not matter who that minder is. It could be you, the parent. It could be your mom, the baby’s grandmother. It could be a nanny, your neighbour, or it could even be your foreign domestic help you employed.

Understanding the above is the key to be close to your child. A baby is able to see, hear, feel and smell. When an adult carries and plays with the infant, its senses are stimulated all at once. The more the minder spends with the baby, the more familiar the baby becomes with the minder’s face, voice, touch and smell.

By six months, your child will be able to recognise faces, body smell and touch so well, it will have “preference” for only certain people. Your child will choose who can carry her and who cannot. She will even choose between two people who has the priority to carry her.

If you do not spend enough time with your baby, your baby may choose someone else, rather than you, to carry her. Is that what you want?

Tips to make your baby to like you if someone else looks after it -
Of course, the best way is to mind the child full-time. However, if that cannot be done, then these are the things you can do to make your child close to you.

- At night, make sure your child sleeps with you and not with the minder. I know this difficult especially when it is a newborn. Newborns need to be fed every 2 hours. This is quite a task. But then again, there are two of you. Both parents (not just the mother) need to be involved.

- Make sure you spend time with your baby whenever you can. Sorry, but that golf outing with the boys or shopping with the girls will have to take a backseat. You are now a parent, remember? By spending time with your baby as much as you can, you build a close bond.

- Play with your baby, read stories, sing songs etc whenever you can. The more frequent, the better. Babies love them.

Carry the baby as much as you can -
I know lugging along baby stuff like strollers, extra nappies, milk bottles etc is cumbersome. But then, you are a parent. So you need to do things parents do. I note some parents get their maids to carry the baby. My advice is that if you really want your domestic help to assist you, get her to carry the baby stuff, while you carry the baby.

Teach your child to read early -
My wife and I taught our first daughter to read at six months old. No kidding. Within weeks, she was able to recognise words. Again, no kidding. We used flash cards with words like mama, papa, foot, hand, hair, face, toes etc. When we said “face” she was able to point to the exact flash card. Ditto for all the other words.

At two years old, she was able to read nursery rhymes from books unaided. Learning became fun. It became a play thing for child and parents. It became a bond between parent and child.

Incidentally, we did the same for her two younger siblings.

Meal time is also family bonding time -
Whenever we can, till today, we eat together as a family. It could be at home. It could be at our parents’ home. Or it could be at the hawkers’ centre. We always eat together as a family whenever we can.

Some parents prefer to eat out alone, leaving their little ones at home to be minded by the maid or grandparents. This is not advisable. When you eat together as a family, you bond the family. If this is done repeatedly everyday day over the years, the bond gets stronger.

Holiday time is also family bonding time -
I am very proud to say that my wife and I after being parents for 20 over years, have NOT ONCE, gone on holiday without our children. Since the day our first child was born, all holidays we went included the children.

Some parents want to save cost or simply out of convenience, leave their children at home, while they holiday. Children have feelings and they learn things fast. Children will be able to accept if parents need to travel because of work. But they know the difference if parents go on a holiday without them.

Family holidays are special times. That’s the time everyone gets to enjoy – as a family. Dad may enjoy his company’s dinner and dance. Mom may enjoy shopping with her friends. The children may enjoy games at nursery school. But holidays with family, all family members enjoy the same thing at the same time. This family enjoyment will be imprinted psychologically on the children’s minds, especially when you all browse through the family photos and/or recorded videos months or even years later.

Do not under-estimate the family holiday bond. It works like glue for many, many years. My opinion is to take a family holiday at least once a year. If you cannot travel far, then just next door Malaysia will do. If you cannot even do that, then just a weekend at a holiday chalet will do. Trust me. It works wonders.

Do the family holiday every year and soon your children will be asking, “Mummy, daddy, when will we go on holiday again?” That is confirmation they want you around when they have their most enjoyable time.

Husband-Wife Disputes -
Many experienced married couples and family counsellors will tell you the same thing. If there is a dispute between or disagreement between husband and wife, sort it out behind the children’s back. Of course, this is easier said than done, especially when in-laws are involved in the dispute.

For preschoolers, whenever parents fight, it is very traumatic for them. To young children, parents are the authority. Seeing two adults of authority slugging it out has an adverse psychological impact on young children.

The worst case scenario is when one parent uses the children as bargaining chip against the other, eg mummy telling her children to move away from dad when she is angry with him. If this is done too often, the children may take a permanent dislike for their dad, whenever mummy quarrels with dad. Needless to say, this is a sure recipe for more domestic disputes to come and a possible path towards a divorce in future.

Never use money as a weapon -
On the flip side of the mummy-daddy dispute, is the power of money. This can happen if daddy is the sole breadwinner. Never, never, let me repeat – NEVER ever use money as a threat against the family – especially if dad is the sole breadwinner. It does not matter if he means to carry out the threat or not. To the wife, that threat is very real and very intimidating.

For love to blossom, there must be trust and warmth. Not hostility and threats. Hostile threats only breeds contempt, fear and dissent. Hardly the ingredients needed to keep a family happy.

Children see, children do -
Children will mimic their parents – literally. If you speak good English at home, they will speak good English. If you speak Singlish, they will speak Singlish. If you use expletives, they will use it too. Be careful of what you say or do in front of your children.

This brings up an interesting point. I don’t need to bring up scientific studies to show you that children take cue from their parents. Every parent knows that. Hence, parents should be careful of what they say or do. This include parents who believe they should be pro-gay. Implicitly, you are signalling to your children that you approve them to be gay. Do you want that?

The first few years is the time you need to create a bond between parent and child. If by 6 years old your child prefers the company of someone else to you, it means that the preferred person has the ability to control you. If that preferred person is someone you cannot trust with your life, you have a lot of worrying to do.

It must be remembered that parenting is a long term, heavy responsibility. It is better to get it right in the beginning than to control damage. The earlier you get it right, the easier it would be for you as the child grows older.

That is the key to keep your child on the right track, and away from all immoral activities.

This is the end of Part 2.

PS – My wife is a working mum. Although we had people to look after our children when we worked, we spent time with them after work. And yes, our children always slept with us at night and not with the minders when they were young.
Related Links:
Raising a Family Part 1
Raising a Family (Part 3) – The Primary School Years

Raising a Family (Part 4) – The Teenage Years